The Overthinking Trap: Millennial Women, Anxiety, and the Decision to Have Kids (or Not)
For many millennial women, the decision whether or not to have kids is far from simple. I’ve been having a lot of conversations with my friends the last several years around this topic, and it also has begun coming up more and more in client sessions. The decision lies in a complex web of anxiety, societal expectations, and internal conflicts. Aka a lot of feelings and thoughts and opinions that can obscure what we ultimately want.
If you're someone who identifies as a people-pleaser, perfectionist, or just anxious, you might find yourself caught in a loop of overthinking, struggling to balance your fears of regret with your desire to make the "right" choice.
This blog post delves into the unique challenges that we millennial women face when deciding whether or not to have children—and how overthinking can often turn this decision into an anxiety-ridden spiral that keeps us unsure and riddled with guilt and doubt.
1. The Never-Ending Pros and Cons List
For the overthinkers among us, any significant decision means first a thorough analysis. When it comes to having kids, this analysis often translates into countless pros and cons lists and analysis paralysis.
Pros: the joy of creating a family, knowing what you have to teach and share, the experience of unconditional love, and the idea of raising a child who could be a force of good in the world. Cons: concerns about losing personal freedom, financial insecurity, the fear of being an inadequate parent, your body changing, and the anxiety of bringing a child into an uncertain and sometimes dangerous world. Based on each person’s individual situation, the pros and cons could be so many different things.
These lists can provide clarity, but they can also become a trap. When you're a perfectionist or a people-pleaser, you might find yourself fixated on finding the "perfect" answer—an answer that doesn't exist. Instead of helping you make a decision, these lists can keep you stuck in a cycle of overthinking and self-doubt.
2. Fear of Disappointing Others
People-pleasers often struggle with the weight of other people's expectations. Perhaps your parents have always dreamed of becoming grandparents, or maybe your friends have already started their families. Maybe you get a lot of not-so-subtle hints about expecting grandchildren or “when are you going to start trying?” The idea of disappointing those you care about can create immense pressure, leading to anxiety and guilt, not to mention sometimes resentment and rage.
The fear of letting others down can cloud your own desires and needs. It’s easy to get lost in what others want for you rather than focusing on what you genuinely want for yourself. This can lead to feeling torn between following a path that aligns with societal or familial expectations and carving out a life that feels authentic to you. And when we’re people-pleasers, sometimes it can be hard to determine what are our desires and what are others.
3. FOMO: The Fear of Missing Out on a Kid-Free Life
For millennial women, the fear of missing out (FOMO) isn't just about social events or travel—it's about life choices. The idea of having children can feel like a point of no return, where your freedom, your body, spontaneity, and "selfish" pursuits are put on hold. You may worry about missing out on the experiences, adventures, or careers you’ve dreamed of because they don’t fit neatly into a life with kids. Or you worry about how your relationship may change with kids and what mental and physical loads may be placed on you.
This fear can lead to constant second-guessing. What if you regret having kids and feel like you missed out on living life to the fullest? But on the flip side, what if you don’t have kids and regret not experiencing that chapter of life? The pressure to make the “right” decision can be paralyzing.
4. The Myth of the Perfect Parent and the Perfect Moment
Perfectionists often feels they must become an idealized version of themselves as parents. They feel pressure to keep a spotless home, well-behaved children, and a perfect work-life balance. The reality, however, is much messier. Parenting is unpredictable, and no amount of planning can prepare you for every challenge. Sometimes perfectionists put off making a decision about having kids because they are so scared of not doing it “right” and fear of their flaws being exposed as a “not good enough” parent.
The search for the “perfect moment” to have children can also be a trap. Maybe you’re waiting for a time when your career is stable, your finances are secure, or you’ve achieved a certain level of personal growth. And while there can certainly be responsible preparation, there will never actually be a “perfect” time. Life is full of uncertainties, and waiting for everything to align perfectly can lead to endless postponement.
5. Drowning in Everyone Else’s Opinions
The voices of others—whether it's family, your partner, friends, or society at large—can be deafening. Social media, in particular, can amplify these voices, presenting a constant stream of opinions and expectations about what it means to be a woman, a mother, or a career-driven individual. Or maybe your friends and acquaintances are only posting the happy, fun side of being parents to their social media and not the complete meltdowns and messiness. I remember when I was still in grad school having an older male colleague ask me why I didn’t have children yet, and unfortunately, that is not an isolated experience for women.
This bombardment can make it challenging to hear your own voice amidst the noise. You might feel like you're drowning in a sea of opinions, each one pulling you in a different direction. The key is to create space to listen to your own intuition and desires, rather than being swayed by what everyone else thinks you should do. While that’s no easy task, it can be done.
Breaking Free from the Overthinking Trap
So, how can millennial women break free from this cycle of overthinking when it comes to deciding about having kids?
Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that it’s okay to feel conflicted and uncertain. You’re not alone, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed by such a significant decision.
Focus on What You Can Control: Life will always have uncertainties. Rather than trying to predict every outcome, focus on the aspects of your life that you can influence and control.
Set Boundaries with Others’ Opinions: Remember that this decision is yours. While it’s important to consider the input of those you care about, their opinions shouldn’t dictate your life choices. Maybe unfollow people online who make you feel guilty or pressured, as well.
Embrace Imperfection: Let go of the idea that you need to be a perfect parent or that there’s a perfect time to have children. Embrace the messiness of life and the fact that every choice comes with both challenges and rewards.
Seek Support: Talking to a therapist can help you navigate these feelings of anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing tendencies. Having a safe space to explore your fears and desires can provide clarity and peace and help you become more attuned to your own wants and needs.
Bottom line? Deciding whether to have kids is a deeply personal and complex choice. There is no one-size-fits-all answer. Instead of getting stuck in the loop of overthinking, it’s essential to learn to tune into your own needs, embrace the uncertainty, and trust that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.
If you need help sorting through your thoughts and feelings and getting in touch with your authentic self, schedule a free consult call with me by clicking here.
Note: This blog post is written from the perspective of a cisgender, heterosexual woman and does not capture the many different experiences of different women or folx with uteruses.