Navigating Life as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic: Common Problems and How to Move Forward
If you grew up in a family where alcoholism or other forms of dysfunction were present, you may have heard the phrase “adult child of an alcoholic” (ACOA) before. Or maybe you’re just now learning that you are part of a specific group with a special acronym. But what does that really mean? And more importantly, how does it affect you today, as an adult navigating your relationships, work, and day-to-day life?
First off, I want you to know that if you relate to any of what I’m about to share, you are not alone. Many people with similar backgrounds often feel isolated in their experiences, believing they're the only ones struggling with certain behaviors or emotions. However, these feelings are more common than you might think (hence the common acronym), and fortunately there is a path forward to grow beyond these issues. Healing from it starts with understanding and compassion.
Common Behaviors and Challenges of ACOA
Growing up in a household marked by alcoholism or other dysfunction often means you were exposed to inconsistent, unpredictable, or even unsafe environments. Children in these situations may learn to adapt in ways that help them survive in the short-term but ultimately create unique challenges in their adulthood. Here are some common behaviors and issues many adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) experience:
Hypervigilance and Anxiety: If you grew up constantly on edge, trying to anticipate the next crisis or emotional outburst, it's common to carry that hypervigilance into adulthood. You may find yourself always scanning your environment for potential threats, which can lead to chronic anxiety, difficulty relaxing, and a sense of never truly feeling safe.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Trust can be a significant issue for ACOAs. If the people who were supposed to care for you were unpredictable or untrustworthy, you might have learned to rely only on yourself. This self-reliance can sometimes manifest as a reluctance to let others in or share your true feelings.
Fear of Abandonment and Rejection: For some, the fear of being abandoned or rejected can loom large, impacting relationships with partners, friends, and even colleagues. This fear might lead to people-pleasing behaviors, staying in unhealthy relationships, or a tendency to withdraw to avoid potential hurt.
Perfectionism and Overachievement: Many ACOAs have a strong desire to control their environment to feel safe, and one way this manifests is through perfectionism. You might feel like you have to be perfect to avoid criticism, rejection, or failure. While this drive can lead to success, it can also lead to burnout, stress, and feelings of never being “good enough.”
Difficulty Identifying and Expressing Emotions: Growing up in a household where emotions were unpredictable or even dangerous may have taught you to suppress your own feelings. As an adult, you might struggle with identifying how you feel or feel uncomfortable expressing emotions, especially when they seem "negative" like anger or sadness.
Codependency and Boundary Issues: You may have learned to take on the role of caretaker, mediator, or even the “hero” in your family. As an adult, this can lead to codependent relationships where you prioritize others' needs over your own, have difficulty setting healthy boundaries, or feel responsible for "fixing" others.
Impostor Syndrome: You might constantly question your worth and doubt your achievements, always fearing that one day, others will discover you’re not as competent or capable as they think. This impostor syndrome can be a constant source of stress and self-doubt.
Healing from ACOA Trauma
If you recognize yourself in any of these descriptions, it’s important to know that these behaviors were learned as ways to survive and cope in an environment that often felt out of control. The good news is that, as adults, we have the power to unlearn what no longer serves us and to create new, healthier patterns.
Here are a few steps to start on that journey:
Acknowledge Your Experience: It’s essential to recognize the impact of your childhood experiences on your adult life. This acknowledgment is not about blaming your parents or caregivers, but rather about understanding the roots of your behaviors and feelings.
Practice Self-Compassion: You’ve likely spent much of your life being hard on yourself. Try to replace self-criticism with self-compassion. Understand that many of your behaviors developed as a way to protect yourself. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate your healing journey.
Seek Support: Therapy can be incredibly helpful for adult children of alcoholics and those from dysfunctional families. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore your feelings, work through your experiences, and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Support groups like Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) can also provide community and understanding from others who share similar experiences.
Set Boundaries and Practice Saying No: Learning to set healthy boundaries is key to breaking free from codependent patterns. Start small—practice saying “no” without explaining yourself or feeling guilty. Over time, these small steps will help you feel more empowered in your relationships.
Explore Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Because hypervigilance and anxiety are common, practices like mindfulness, meditation, or deep breathing exercises can help you stay present and calm. These techniques can train your brain to feel safer in the moment, reducing the need for constant vigilance.
Allow Yourself to Feel: It’s okay to feel angry, sad, or hurt about your past. Allow yourself the space to experience and process these emotions without judgment. Journaling, art, or simply talking to someone you trust can help release the weight of unexpressed feelings.
A Compassionate Path Forward
Being an adult child of an alcoholic or growing up in any dysfunctional family setting comes with its own set of unique challenges, but it does not define you. You have the power to heal, grow, and create the life and relationships you deserve.
Remember, the journey to healing is not a straight line. It’s okay to take things one step at a time, to have setbacks, and to feel a range of emotions along the way. What matters is that you are here, showing up for yourself, and choosing to break the cycle.
If you find yourself resonating with any of this, know that support is available, and there is hope for a brighter, more peaceful future. You are worthy of love, care, and understanding—both from others and, most importantly, from yourself.
If you are interested in trying individual or group therapy, please reach out!