Recently, my clients and I have been discussing choice. Many of my clients undermine their own capacity to choose. When they come to treatment, they often feel out of control, stuck in emotional reactivity and deeply ingrained patterns of behavior. 

So, we begin to look at the difference between reacting and responding. Reacting is often like a knee-jerk reaction, just an automatic response. Often, our reactions are driven by emotions, habits, and automatic thoughts. They are impulsive. 

Unlike reacting, response implies consideration and intention. When we respond, we are making an informed choice. 

So how do we go from reacting to responding? 

MINDFULNESS. 

The four steps we take to be more mindful and intentional are:

1. Stopping 

2. Seeing

3. Self-Understanding

4. Choosing 

Let’s break them down.

Stopping

In mindfulness, we focus on bringing our attention to the present moment. But what if we don’t want to be in the present moment? This is often the case for many of my clients and, honestly, most people I know. 

As a society, we seem to have a decreasing tolerance for boredom, stress, and other uncomfortable feelings. We are constantly bombarded with distractions, so escape is readily available, whether it be mindless scrolling, watching tv, or even using a drug like alcohol. 

And there is nothing wrong with some escapism and distraction when done with intention and moderation. We all need a break here and there.

It becomes a problem when we regularly sacrifice our long-term needs and goals for short-term relief. We condition ourselves to run from uncomfortable experiences instead of facing them. 

That’s why stopping is so important.

Stopping is when you pause and ground yourself in the present moment. You bring your attention to right now, right here. We remain still in a moment of confusing or overwhelming factors. For many of us, this may feel foreign and even uncomfortable. So often our minds are racing toward the next thing or ruminating on something from the past. 

We may choose to stop simply to enjoy the present moment, or we may stop because we notice certain feelings coming up like irritation, anger, anxiety, or sadness. When we stop, we are giving ourselves the opportunity to be with those emotions and explore them. Which brings us to…

Seeing (Observing)

Once we stop and get out of auto-pilot, we can notice what is happening inside of us and around us. We observe our thoughts, sensations, emotions, and urges. If I stopped because I noticed myself getting angry, I may observe that I am tense, clenching my jaw, and telling myself a story that is fueling my anger (i.e. “He doesn’t respect me” or “This always happens. Nothing is ever easy.”)

Sometimes simply bringing our awareness to our experience can help us detach some from the intensity of our discomfort. When I bring my attention to my tense shoulders and breathe, they automatically drop and release some of the tension. When I observe that I am psyching myself out by internally grumbling about something, I can realize that these are just thoughts, and not facts. 

We realize that we have a hand in creating our current reality. Which lends itself to . . .

Self-understanding and Insight

The more I observe my thoughts, feelings, urges, and reactions, the more I can begin to connect the dots. Maybe my anger is tied to something that happened long ago that deeply hurt me, and any reminders of that time make me feel vulnerable, which is why anger rushes in to energize and defend me. 

I can also start to see patterns in my own behavior and how I contribute to my emotional spiral. The intent behind this understanding is not to blame ourselves, but rather to better understand that we have more control and accountability over our experience than we may have initially believed. 

For example, if I have recently stopped drinking and just had a tense meeting with my supervisor at work, maybe I start to feel antsy, frustrated, and uncomfortable. My immediate urge is to go across the street to the liquor store and to drink. If I don’t pause, then I may rush ahead with that plan. 

But if I am able to stop and notice what is happening, I may recognize that I am acting out of habit and trying to get away from these uncomfortable feelings. I can remember other times when I have acted on this urge and how those instances did not end well for me and ultimately hurt my self-respect and my relationships. 

It is in this space between our initial reaction, stopping, and our actual behavior that we have

Choice

The reason I stress mindfulness so much with my clients (and in my own life) is because it gives us back our choice and allows us to live our lives with intention. Mindfulness is much more than just being aware. It is handing us back the reins to ourselves. 

With mindfulness, we can choose to act skillfully and proceed based on our goals and values, rather than knee-jerk reactions. Pausing and assessing allows us to consider our options and make the best decision possible for ourselves in that moment (my DBT peeps will recognize this as consulting Wise Mind and acting Effectively). 

This assessment and choice can happen very quickly or be something more thought out. We may act spontaneously but still from a balanced, wise perspective. Some may call this acting from intuition. That differs from acting impulsively, which is when we act solely based on old patterns and strong emotional urges. 

Mindfulness helps us center ourselves and access our wisest parts. It allows us to see more clearly and choose how we respond. In this way, mindfulness empowers us to live our lives as actors rather than reactors. 

After we choose, we can try to non-judgmentally accept the results of our choice and file the knowledge away to better inform our future choices. We let our choice in this moment inform our choice in the next. We take accountability for our mistakes and our successes, which is no easy feat. 

IT TAKES PRACTICE

Don’t worry if this doesn’t come naturally to you. It isn’t supposed to feel easy when you are starting out. Mindfulness is not about being perfectly mindful or always making the “right” choice. Mindfulness is instead about our approach, which is curious and non-judgmental, and continuing to practice. You are not “good” or “bad” at mindfulness.

You are either practicing it or you are not. 

Disclaimer: The steps mentioned in this blog are taken from The Mindful Path to Addiction Recovery from Dr. Lawrence Peltz.