Why Perfectionism Isn't Actually About Being Perfect

In a world obsessed with doing more, achieving more, and constantly producing, perfectionism runs rampant as both a sought-after trait and a silent tormentor. We often associate perfectionism with the relentless pursuit of flawlessness in every aspect of our lives, whether it's work, relationships, or personal endeavors. But what if I told you that perfectionism isn't really about being perfect at all? Let's delve deeper into this pervasive myth and uncover the truth behind the mask of perfectionism.

What is perfectionism?

At its core, perfectionism is not about striving for excellence; it's about the fear of failure and the relentless pressure to meet impossibly high standards. Perfectionists set unrealistic goals for themselves, believing that anything less than perfection is unacceptable. They don’t want to be seen as not good enough, yet they never feel good enough. Hence always feeling like they need to do more. Unfortunately, a perfectionist’s unattainable quest for flawlessness often leads to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and self-doubt.

One of the biggest misconceptions about perfectionism is that it stems from a desire to achieve perfection. In reality, it often arises from a fear of judgment and rejection. Perfectionists believe that their worth depends upon their ability to meet external standards of success and approval. They constantly seek validation from others, fearing that any hint of imperfection will result in disapproval or criticism. And they really do not want to be criticized (trust me, they are already an expert at criticizing themselves).

Moreover, perfectionism is often fueled by deep-seated insecurities and a lack of self-compassion. Perfectionists are their own harshest critics, beating themselves up for even the slightest mess up. This non-stop self-criticism not only destroys their self-esteem but also perpetuates a cycle of anxiety and dissatisfaction in life.

But here's the paradox of perfectionism: despite their relentless pursuit of flawlessness, perfectionists are never truly satisfied. No matter how much they achieve or how much praise they receive, there's always another mountain to climb, another standard to meet. Their brain keeps telling them “I’ll finally be good enough when X happens,” but X is a constantly moving target they never reach. This perpetual striving leaves them feeling exhausted, disillusioned, and ultimately unfulfilled.

Then why do we do it?

So, if perfectionism isn't about being perfect, what is it really about? At its core, perfectionism is a coping mechanism—a way of protecting yourself from the pain of failure and rejection. By setting impossibly high standards, perfectionists believe they can shield themselves from criticism and disappointment. However, this protective armor comes at a steep price, robbing them of joy, creativity, and authentic connection.

How to overcome perfectionism

But here's the good news: perfectionism is not an unchangeable trait; it's a mindset that can be unlearned. By challenging the underlying beliefs and thought patterns that fuel perfectionism, we can begin to cultivate a healthier relationship with ourselves and others.

One of the first steps in overcoming perfectionism is practicing self-compassion. Instead of berating ourselves for our perceived flaws and shortcomings, we must learn to treat ourselves with kindness and understanding. This means embracing our imperfections as part of what makes us human and recognizing that our worth is not contingent upon our achievements.

Additionally, it's essential to reframe our understanding of success and failure. Instead of viewing failure as a reflection of our worth, we can see it as an opportunity for growth and learning. By adopting a growth mindset, we can approach challenges with resilience and optimism, knowing that setbacks are not the end of the road but merely detours on the path to success. Through this work, we learn to find more meaning in the present moment and the journey and focus less on reaching an ever-moving destination.

Moreover, we must learn to set realistic goals and expectations for ourselves. Instead of striving for perfection, we can aim for progress and improvement. By breaking larger goals into smaller, more manageable tasks, we can avoid feeling overwhelmed and increase our chances of success. This also helps us get out of the procrastination that can freeze perfectionists from ever beginning something new for fear of not doing it well.

Finally, it's crucial to cultivate a supportive network of friends, family, and mentors who can provide encouragement and perspective. Often, perfectionism, and its accompanying shame, thrives in isolation, so reaching out for help and support can help us break free from its grip.

Remember, perfectionism is not about being perfect; it's about the fear of failure and the relentless pressure to meet impossibly high standards. By challenging these beliefs and practicing self-compassion, we can begin to break free from the shackles of perfectionism and embrace our imperfections as part of what makes us human! True fulfillment comes not from achieving flawlessness but from embracing our authenticity and embracing the journey, flaws, ups and downs, and all.

If you need help working through perfectionism, reach out to chat! Email mmalone@rosebudpsychotherapy.com or call 404-919-9723.