“Have you tried setting a boundary?”

Boundaries! It’s become a big buzzword, one I certainly use often, but what are therapists talking about when we tout boundaries to our clients? Why do we keep bringing them up in sessions?

What is a boundary?

A boundary is a line that marks a limit, such as who I am and who I am not, who I give my time to and who I do not, how I’m willing to be treated and how I am not. 

A boundary is not an attempt to control someone else’s behaviors, thoughts or emotions. Remember that boundaries are always for you and based on your needs.

One of the primary functions of boundaries is to set limits. We all have limits, and when we understand our own, we can communicate them to others. We also must have boundaries with ourselves - “internal boundaries” - to make sure we continue to operate within our limits, such as not overextending ourselves or breaking commitments to our personal values and goals. 

Boundaries are essential for healthy, happy lives, yet so many of us struggle to understand where we need boundaries and especially how we can actually set them. 

Have you struggled to say no to something you don’t want to do? Been too uncomfortable to ask someone for what you need from them? 

You’re not alone. We get scared of being a burden or of possibly upsetting others. We don’t want to rock the boat.

Unfortunately, when we don’t set the boundaries we need, we can end up feeling lonely, unappreciated, and exhausted. We grow resentful towards others for taking advantage, and we lose respect for ourselves for not sticking more to our guns.

Boundaries are not only essential for healthy, happy lives, but they are necessary for healthy, fulfilling relationships.  Without them, we can become too entangled in someone else and lose ourselves, or we can feel unheard and misused.

Let’s break down some different types of boundaries.

Keep in mind this list is not comprehensive.

Physical Boundaries

Who is allowed to touch your body and be in your personal space? How are they allowed to show up there? Physical boundaries include all types of physical intimacy and anything that impacts your physical being. They protect your space, your body, and your property. 

Physical boundaries can include sexual boundaries, like your right to consent, asking for what you want sexually, knowing someone else’s sexual health history and disclosing yours. 

Psychological and Emotional Boundaries 

Who knows about your thoughts and beliefs, your inner world? What do they know? How is this information shared? Who is allowed to share it? 

Who knows about your feelings? How do you avoid taking on other people's emotions? Do you expect them to take on yours? How might your emotions be leveraged against or for you?

Emotional boundaries protect us from emotional and psychological harm, such as gaslighting and invalidation. 

Spiritual Boundaries

Spiritual boundaries include your ability to choose your own religion, your higher power, and any spiritual practices (or lack thereof). Who do you discuss your spirituality with? How do you need to protect and honor your spiritual practices?

Time and Energy Boundaries

What boundaries do you need to protect your time and energy? These boundaries help us manage our time effectively and not overextend ourselves. I frequently see my clients struggling with these boundaries, as they often overcommit themselves and agree to take on more than they can realistically handle. 

Relational Boundaries

Boundaries are also important in distinguishing and asserting our individuality in relationships. They help us not become “enmeshed” with other people’s beliefs, emotions, and thoughts and lose touch with our own authentic selves in the process. In relationships, boundaries keep a healthy separation between you and the other person and keep everyone responsible for their individual feelings and actions. 

One Last Differentiation

Remember, we have both internal and external boundaries. Respectively, boundaries we set with ourselves and boundaries we set with others. We must know our internal boundaries to make meaningful commitments to ourselves, as well as communicate them externally to others.

For example, my internal boundary may be I will not drink at this party tonight. I may have to communicate an external boundary if someone at the party continues to offer me drinks or badgers me for not drinking.

Keep in mind that some people are great at doing this, some people really struggle, or the rest of us may do okay in some situations and struggle in others. There is nothing wrong with you if boundaries are challenging, but it certainly could be helpful to do some work on better understanding and communicating your own!

The hard work you put in up front is worth the long-term peace of mind.

In summary, boundaries serve to

• Provide us with emotional and physical safety

• Express our limits to ourselves and others

• Keep us living in accordance with our values and goals

• Help us hold ourselves and others accountable

• Differentiate us from others

• Communicate our needs and wants

How do you define boundaries? 

Do you struggle to know your own and stick by them? 

Do you struggle to communicate them to others? 

Find Your Voice, a group for adult women, focuses on boundary setting and healthy communication of boundaries.

Next cohort is currently forming! Reach out if interested.