10 Everyday Dialectics (both/and) to Practice for a More Balanced Life
Learn to let go of black-and-white thinking and learn to live in the “both/and”
Have you ever felt stuck between two choices or emotions — like you had to pick one side, even though both felt true? Maybe you’ve said something like:
“I want to set boundaries, but I feel too guilty.”
“I’m overwhelmed, but I don’t want to let anyone down.”
“I should be grateful, so why do I feel unhappy?”
We all do! It’s actually a really human experience — we get trapped in this false mindset of things have to be one thing or another. An either/or. These things feel like opposites, so they don’t mesh together.
In therapy (especially in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT), we call this a dialectic: the idea that two seemingly opposing truths can both exist at the same time.
Practicing dialectical thinking helps you hold the “messy middle” — the grey, in-between place where growth happens. When we embrace this type of thinking, we take the pressure off ourselves to choose one way to think and stop beating ourselves up for not feeling one “right” way.
And guess what? You don’t even have to be in therapy to start using this skill in your everyday life.
So! Here are 10 everyday dialectics you can practice to help you feel more balanced and grounded. Give yourself permission to be a messy human! (Because - spoiler alert - we all already are.)
1. I’m doing my best — and I want to do better.
This is one of the foundational dialectics in DBT. It’s a compassionate stance that lets you recognize all your effort without letting go of your goals. It’s a balancing act between acceptance and change. You don’t have to beat yourself up to grow (this is a common misconception I could write a whole blog chapter on). You’re already doing the best you can — and you can still keep learning and improving. Both. Can. Be. True.
2. I want connection — and I need space.
If you're a people-pleaser, you may feel pulled to over-function in relationships, even when you’re emotionally or physically drained. You love your people . . . and they wear you out sometimes. This dialectic gives you permission to need both closeness and solitude. It’s okay to love your people and still need time alone to recharge.
3. I’m grateful for what I have — and I want more.
Gratitude and longing can coexist. You don’t have to feel guilty for wanting more ease, more joy, more fulfillment. This is especially common among high-achievers who feel ashamed for being “unhappy” despite having “so much.” You’re allowed to honor both within yourself.
4. I trust myself — and I still get anxious.
Just because anxiety shows up doesn’t mean you’re failing or going backwards. Confidence and doubt can both be in the room. Learning to soothe your nervous system without judging your experience helps you stay steady, even when your self-trust gets wobbly.
5. I value structure — and I crave freedom.
This one shows up a lot for perfectionists. You might love routines and planning and feel suffocated by how rigid everything feels. You’re allowed to build structure that serves you — not one that cages you.
6. I want to care for others — and I need to care for myself.
You can be a compassionate, generous, loving person and not be available 24/7. Saying no doesn’t make you selfish. It actually helps you to maintain your relationships and show up with more energy and presence — not less. Their needs are important and so are yours.
7. I’m strong — and I need support.
Being the “strong one” can become a role that’s hard to step out of. Especially if you feel like you’ve been carrying it your whole life. But strength really doesn’t mean doing it all alone. We’re made stronger by our support systems. Supports literally hold us up — they make structures stronger. In fact, reaching out for help (a therapist, a friend, a support group) is often one of the bravest, strongest things you can do.
8. I believe in change — and change scares me.
Wanting growth doesn’t mean it won’t be uncomfortable. Honestly, the discomfort is usually a sign of growth. You can feel excited and terrified at the same time. This dialectic shows up often in therapy when clients are working through big life changes, healing from past, painful incidents, or learning to show up differently in their relationships.
9. I accept myself — and I want to grow.
Self-acceptance doesn’t mean settling. It means seeing your current self with compassion so you can move forward more freely. True change grows out of self-love, not self-criticism. Dropping the shaming of ourselves frees up more energy for us to put toward change.
10. I feel hopeful — and I’m still grieving.
Sometimes clients feel guilty for laughing again after a loss, or for feeling hope after a hard season. But healing isn’t linear. Hope and grief can sit side by side. They both tend to ebb and flow, and you don’t have to pick one. You can hold space within yourself for all of your feelings and experiences.
Takeaway: Try Swapping “But” for “And”
One of the easiest ways to practice dialectical thinking? Change your language. Try swapping “but” for “and” in your self-talk:
“I’m nervous, and I’m ready.”
“I love them, and they make me feel bad about myself.”
“This is hard, and it’s worth it.”
This simple shift can help you feel more flexible, less stuck, and more empowered in your day-to-day life. My clients will often start correcting themselves in sessions when they hear themselves say “but” because we discuss this so often!
Want to Practice More of This Work?
Dialectical thinking is just one piece of what we explore in my Adult DBT Skills Group, where we build skills for managing big emotions, navigating relationships, and increasing self-compassion. If you’re curious about joining or want support for anxiety, overwhelm, or people-pleasing — I’d love to hear from you.