I’m Ready to Dump Being a “Nice Girl”
“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Did anyone else have this message drilled into them growing up?
The underlying idea is not wrong — it is important to consider other people’s feelings when we speak. We don’t want to carelessly hurt someone with our words.
BUT
A good amount of my own work in therapy as an adult has been slowly dismantling the idea of being a “nice, good girl.” Being the good girl and being nice has led to me suppressing my own needs and feelings and overly focusing on other people’s experiences. And now I help many of my clients who have had a very similar experience. Mostly women who have also had gendered messages that encourage them to shrink themselves and stay small so as to not bother or offend others. Hence my practice’s slogan - “Stop Shrinking, Start Growing.”
The Good Girl Dilemma
From early childhood, girls are conditioned to be "good" and “nice.” Politeness, agreeableness, and compliance are qualities that we are praised for. The unspoken rule is clear: play nice, don't make waves. This societal messaging instills a pressure for women to suppress their anger and negative emotions. The consequence? Internalized anger that festers within, manifesting in detrimental ways—depression, anxiety, and even physical health issues. The expectation to keep quiet and not "rock the boat" becomes an invisible shackle, inhibiting the natural expression of valid emotions.
The Bitch Stigma
On the flip side, women who do dare to express their anger or passions often find themselves labeled as "bitches." This dismissal undermines the credibility of their emotions, reinforcing the notion that anger is a negative emotion to be avoided altogether. The "bitchy" label not only disregards the validity of the emotion but also perpetuates the harmful idea that women should remain passive and accommodating, thus perpetuating the cycle of silence. And for black women, they are further bound by the sexist and racist “angry black woman” stereotype that undermines their assertiveness and valid anger.
Harnessing Anger
Breaking the good girl conditioning is a formidable task, but it's an essential one for women seeking to reclaim the power of their emotions. One such powerful emotion is anger. Part of divesting from “niceness” involves learning how to express anger in ways that are effective and constructive. As Kristen Neff discusses in her book “Fierce Self-Compassion,” women learning how to harness their anger is crucial to creating change on a personal and a societal level.
Anger can mobilize and energize us to act in the face of injustice or injury. It helps us identify problems that may be dangerous or toxic for us then motivates us to defend or protect ourselves. Anger can be a protective emotion so long as we don’t try to swallow it and ruminate on the cause or lash out in harmful ways. It’s on us to not fall into those traps and instead let it motivate us to communicate clearly and express ourselves.
In short, it can help us be “kind” over “nice.”
Kind vs. Nice
Ah, the facade of niceness—a smooth surface masking deeper complexities. Niceness often operates within the confines of societal expectations, where politeness reigns supreme. It's the art of pleasing others, even at the expense of our own authenticity. Think of it as a glossy veneer, polished to perfection but lacking substance.
From a feminist lens, the distinction between being “kind” and “nice” illuminates power dynamics that are entrenched within our society. Niceness may serve as a tool of appeasement, perpetuating gendered expectations and power imbalances. The “nice girl” doesn’t cause waves.
Kindness transcends mere pleasantries; it stems from a place of genuine compassion and empathy rather than appeasement. It's the warmth in a smile or the sincerity behind a gesture. Kindness encourages connection, understanding, and mutual respect. It's the soulful essence of humanity, weaving threads of empathy into the fabric of our interactions.
Kindness embodies agency and autonomy, challenging patriarchal norms and fostering authentic expression. Kindness allows us to harness our anger and speak up for the good of all rather than staying small and just appeasing some.
Psychologically, niceness often stems from a desire for approval and acceptance. It's driven by external validation, rooted in the fear of rejection or conflict. Niceness may offer temporary comfort, but beneath the surface lies a sense of dissonance—a disconnect between outward compliance and one’s inner truth.
In contrast, kindness originates from a place of inner abundance—a wellspring of compassion nurtured within that can be offered to oneself and others. Psychologically, acts of kindness are linked to increased well-being and fulfillment. When we extend kindness, we not only uplift others but also nourish our own souls, fostering a sense of connection and purpose.
See why I’m trying to break away from being nice?
So what are some ways we can embody being kind and authentic over being “nice?”
Take a Pause: When anger surfaces, take a moment to breathe. Check in with yourself, identify your feelings, and understand the what triggered the anger. Typically we are angry when we feel threatened or disrespected.
Identify Your Needs: Uncover the underlying needs connected to your anger. Are you feeling disrespected? Are your boundaries being violated? Clearly define what you need from the situation.
Communicate Assertively: Assertiveness is the key to expressing anger effectively. Use "I" statements to calmly and respectfully articulate your feelings and needs. This is where we have to be careful to not let our anger lash out unproductively in a hostile, self-righteous way (destructive anger), but instead intentionally stand up for ourselves without hostility or aggression. We prioritize our anger at the wrong being done and hold compassion with our urge to protect.
Set Boundaries: It's not only okay but crucial to set boundaries that protect your well-being. Clearly communicate what you will and won't tolerate. State what you need. Share why you are upset.
Seek Support: Engaging with a therapist or joining a support group can be invaluable in learning how to channel anger effectively. It can be helpful to speak to other women who also have been working on divesting from “niceness” and instead are working on practicing authenticity.
Embrace Your Anger:
By embracing and learning to express anger in a healthy and constructive manner, women can break free from the stifling cycle of silence and appeasement. Anger, when harnessed effectively, becomes a powerful force for positive change. It's time for society to acknowledge and respect the legitimacy of women's anger, recognizing it as a catalyst for growth, self-advocacy, and societal transformation.
I hope you are able to hold your anger with compassion, stay curious, and allow it to guide you true.
“Anger without love is hate, but love without anger is hollow and sugarcoated. When love meets injustice, it’s angry.”
- Kristen Neff, “Fierce Self-Compassion”
Disclaimer that I am a white, middle-class, American cis-woman and am mainly speaking from my own experience within those identities. There is much more nuance that can be explored about anger and how it shows up and is criticized across different identities than is touched on in this brief blog post.