How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Like a Bad Person
Do any of these sound like you? Struggling to say no, feeling responsible for everyone else’s comfort, or constantly worrying about disappointing others. Guess what — a lot of women I work with struggle with all of the above. And many women I talk to outside of therapy relate to these struggles, too! (Psst - I also have struggled with this and continue to work on it.)
At Rosebud Psychotherapy, many of the women I work with are caring, capable, and exhausted. They are burned out and crispy. They want to protect their time and energy, but they’ve been taught that doing so is selfish.
One way to shift this cycle of exhaustion and burnout? Boundaries.
Why Does Setting Boundaries Feel So Wrong?
If the idea of saying no makes your stomach turn, there’s a reason. For many high-achieving women, the discomfort of setting boundaries isn’t a sign you’re doing something wrong—it’s a sign you’re doing something new.
Many folks who are born in a female-presenting body are socialized to care for others and give, give, give. You may have learned early on that being “nice,” agreeable, or accommodating made you more lovable, safe, or accepted. Over time, these people-pleasing patterns become internalized as your identity and as your blueprint for relationships.
So when you finally start setting boundaries? Your nervous system sounds the alarm—even if the boundary is healthy, kind, and appropriate.
That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means you're practicing a skill your body isn’t used to yet! The discomfort is a sign a growth (and courage).
Signs You Might Be Struggling with Boundaries:
You say yes even when you’re overwhelmed or resentful
You apologize for things that aren’t your fault
You feel guilty for resting, declining, or changing your mind
You avoid conflict at all costs—even at the expense of your needs
You replay what you should’ve said hours (or days) later
Look — You’re not broken; you’re human. Like I said, many women are taught to think and behave this way. But that doesn’t mean we have to stick to it when it isn’t working for us. We get to try something different.
What Healthy Boundaries Sound Like
So, what do healthy boundaries actually look like? Does it mean being a b*tch? No.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean being cold, aggressive, or selfish. It means being clear and caring—toward yourself and others. It is still respectful and kind.
Here are a few examples:
“I can’t take that on right now.”
“I need some time to think before I say yes.”
“I want to support you, but I can’t be available tonight.”
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
Pretty simple, right? (ha!) But really, you don’t need to give any long explanations. No over-explaining or over-apologizing needed. Just clear, direct, and respectful communication.
Therapy Tip: Use the DBT Skill “DEAR MAN”
One of the tools I teach in therapy is a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skill called DEAR MAN. It helps you assert yourself in a way that’s confident and values-driven—especially in high-stress or emotionally charged situations.
Here’s what it stands for:
Describe the situation (just the facts)
Express how you feel (Use your “I" statements)
Assert what you need (“I need…”)
Reinforce the outcome (benefits and consequences)
Mindful (stay focused and be a broken record)
Appear confident (even if you don’t feel like it)
Negotiate, if needed (be willing to give some to get some, when appropriate)
This structure can help take the emotional weight out of the moment and make it easier to speak up without feeling like a “bad person.” And even if it may feel like you are doing something wrong, you can remember that you used an appropriate tool and did the best you could to respect both yourself and the other person.
Because the reality is…
Boundaries Don’t Push People Away—They Make Real Connection Possible
When you honor your limits, you're being honest. You’re showing up in your relationships as yourself, not a version molded by fear or guilt. You are giving the other person to see the real, authentic you and to connect on a deeper level.
It might feel uncomfortable at first. But with support, practice, and a little self-compassion, setting boundaries can become one of the most loving things you do—for you and the people you care about. Most people actually appreciate knowing your limits because it gives them clear guidance without guesswork. People who care about you rarely want you to be internally resentful, frustrated, or exhausted. They also want what is best for you and appreciate when you express it.
Ready to Practice Boundaries with Support?
At Rosebud Psychotherapy, I help women like you learn how to set boundaries that feel empowering—not guilt-inducing. Whether through individual therapy or group support, you’ll build skills to show up authentically in your relationships and break the cycle of burnout.
📥 Ready to start? Book a free consultation here.