Emotional Labor and Women's Mental Health: The Invisible Work That's Burning You Out
Why women are exhausted, how emotional labor affects mental health, and what to do about it
Throughout my life, but especially as I’ve gotten older, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend amongst my friends, my family, and myself. Specifically those of us who are women or AFAB. We’re the ones who remember everyone's birthdays. We’re the ones who notice when someone's upset and asks if they're okay. We’re the ones who plan the family gatherings, manage the calendar, know the doctors, dentists, and vets, and remember what everyone likes and doesn't like. We are the ones who smooth over tension, anticipate needs, and keep things running.
And - unsurprisingly - we’re freaking exhausted.
Not just tired—exhausted. It’s a kind of tired that a simple 8-hours of sleep every night doesn't fix. The kind that shows up as resentment and bitterness. Maybe as tension, aches, and illnesses in your body. A soul-deep feeling that something just isn’t quite right. The kind of exhaustion that makes you want to scream, "Why am I the only one who cares about this?" Or just scream, period.
Welcome to emotional labor. And if you're a woman reading this, you're probably drowning in it, too.
What Is Emotional Labor?
Emotional labor is the invisible, unpaid work of managing feelings—yours and everyone else's.
It's remembering to text your friend who’s going through a hard time. It's being the "fun mom" at the birthday party even when you're running on fumes. It's asking your partner about their day and actively listening, even though you’re aware that no one's asked about yours in weeks.
Emotional labor includes:
Managing relationships – Keeping in touch, resolving conflicts, maintaining social connections
Anticipating needs – Knowing what everyone wants before they ask (or knowing they won't ask at all)
Emotional regulation – Staying calm when others are upset, soothing tensions, keeping the peace, being the caretaker and mediator
Mental load management – Remembering appointments, significant dates, tasks, preferences, and responsibilities for everyone
Invisible planning – Organizing holidays, buying all the gifts, coordinating schedules, preparing for events
Emotional support provision – Being the default listener, helper, mediator, and problem-solver
And just to be clear, emotional labor isn't the same as caring about people. Caring is beautiful. It’s a wonderful quality to have. I’m not advocating for any of us to stop caring. But emotional labor becomes a problem when it's unequal, unrecognized, and unrelenting. And let’s just acknowledge that it usually isn’t the cis, straight men doing this work.
Why Women Bear the Brunt of Emotional Labor
Now, this can be debated, but I don’t think that women are just naturally better at emotional labor. No. I think we're socialized into it. We’re taught it in a way that cis-men are not.
From childhood, those of us perceived to be girls are taught to be:
Attuned to others' feelings
Responsible for keeping the peace
Nurturing and accommodating
Self-sacrificing for the good of relationships
By the time we're adults, these behaviors are so automatic and ingrained that we don't even notice we're doing them. We just know we're tired. And guilty for being tired and still not doing enough. And frustrated that no one else seems to see all the work we're doing. And for women in heterosexual relationships, it generally feels very imbalanced. (Though it can certainly show up in queer relationships, too.)
Research and anecdotal, lived experience back this up*:
Women spend significantly more time on household emotional labor than men, even when both partners work full-time
Women are more likely to be the "kin keepers" who maintain family relationships and social connections
In the workplace, women are expected to do more "office housework"—planning events, getting the coffee and snacks, mentoring, emotional support—that doesn't lead to promotions
Mothers report mental load as one of their biggest sources of stress and burnout
So, the impact on mental health and relationship satisfaction are massive. This is something we need to be addressing.
How Emotional Labor Affects Women's Mental Health
1. Chronic Burnout
When you're constantly managing everyone else's emotions and needs, there's nothing left for you. You're running on empty, but you can't stop because everything will fall apart if you do. (Or so it feels.)
Burnout from emotional labor looks like:
Feeling exhausted even after rest
Irritability and resentment toward people you care about
Difficulty focusing or making decisions
Feeling like you're just going through the motions
2. Anxiety and Hypervigilance
Emotional labor keeps your nervous system on high alert. You're constantly scanning for problems, anticipating needs, preventing conflicts. Your brain never gets to rest.
This shows up as:
Racing thoughts and mental “to do lists”, especially at night - yay!
Difficulty relaxing or "switching off"
Physical tension (jaw clenching, tight shoulders and back, stomach issues)
Feeling responsible for everyone's emotional state
3. Resentment and Relationship Strain
When you're doing all the emotional heavy lifting and no one notices—or worse, they expect it—resentment builds. You start feeling angry at the people you love, then guilty or sad for feeling angry.
You might notice:
Snapping at loved ones over "small" things
Feeling taken for granted or invisible
Wondering why you have to ask for help with things you just do automatically
Emotional distance from your partner, friends, or family
4. Loss of Identity and Self-Worth
When your worth feels tied to how much you do for others, what happens when you stop? Who are you if you're not useful, helpful, needed?
This can lead to:
Difficulty identifying your own needs and wants
Saying "yes" when you mean "no" out of guilt, obligation, or honestly, just habit
Feeling selfish for prioritizing yourself
Not knowing what brings you joy anymore
5. Depression and Disconnection
Over time, the exhaustion and resentment can turn into something heavier: depression. You feel disconnected from yourself, your relationships, and your life—even though you're still showing up for everyone else and still doing all the things.
Signs include:
Feeling numb or empty
Loss of interest in things you used to enjoy
Crying easily or feeling emotionally overwhelmed
Wondering if this is just "how life is" now
The Mental Load: Emotional Labor's Evil Twin
It's not just about doing the emotional labor . . . it's also remembering it needs to be done.
The mental load is the invisible cognitive work of managing a household, relationships, and life logistics. It's knowing that:
Your kid needs new shoes before school starts
Your partner's mom's birthday is next week and you need to bake a dish and get her a present
The dog is due for vaccines
Someone needs to plan dinner, grocery shop, and coordinate schedules
And here’s the kicker: Even when you delegate tasks, you're still the one managing the delegation. You're still the project manager of everyone's life. You’re still the one they ask about how to do what you delegate to them. “But how do you want me to chop the onions? Where are the kids’ insurance cards, and how do I make the appointment? Am I doing this right?”
This is why "just asking for help" doesn't work. By the time you're asking, you've already done the mental work of figuring out what needs to be done. The mental load never goes away.
What Emotional Labor Is NOT
Let's clear up some potential confusion about what
Emotional labor is NOT:
Caring about people – You can care deeply without carrying the entire emotional weight
Being empathetic – Empathy is a strength; emotional labor becomes a problem when it's consistently one-sided and at great cost to yourself
"Women's work" – It's work that's been unfairly assigned to women, not work women are naturally better suited for
Your responsibility alone – Relationships and households require shared emotional investment
Recognizing emotional labor isn't about blaming men or opting out of relationships. It's about naming the invisible work so it can be shared more equitably.
Signs You're Carrying Too Much Emotional Labor
Not sure if this applies to you? Here are some telltale signs:
✓ You're the only one who remembers birthdays, appointments, and important dates
✓ You feel responsible for everyone's happiness and comfort
✓ You're exhausted but can't pinpoint why; you're not "doing" that much (visibly)
✓ You feel guilty when you're not being productive or helpful
✓ You anticipate others' needs before they ask (and they rarely anticipate yours)
✓ You're the default person people come to with problems
✓ You almost always say "yes" when you want to say "no" because you don't want to disappoint anyone (really it’s just become a reflex at this point)
✓ You carry a lot of tension in your jaw, stomach, shoulders, or back
✓ You fantasize about disappearing, not for forever, just long enough to actually rest
✓ You wonder why no one asks how you're doing or about your day
If you're nodding along to most of these, you're definitely not alone! And you're not being dramatic. You're just constantly carrying a whole lot.
How to Address Emotional Labor (Without Burning Everything Down)
1. Name It
You can't change what you can't see. Start noticing the emotional labor you do:
Keep a mental load inventory for a week
Notice when you're managing others' emotions or anticipating needs
Pay attention to the planning, coordinating, and remembering you do
Just seeing it clearly can be validating and helpful in identifying patterns.
2. Set Boundaries (Even Small Ones)
You don't have to do it all. Practice saying:
"I can't take that on right now."
"That's not my responsibility."
"I need help with this."
"I'm not available for that."
Start small. One boundary at a time. Start with lower stakes one to get some practice. Notice what happens when you stop over-functioning. (Hint: the world doesn't end. … Though some things may not be done as well or as frequently as you like.)
3. Stop Being the Project Manager
If you're always delegating, you're still doing the mental work. Instead:
Let others own entire tasks from start to finish
Resist the urge to manage how they do it
Accept that things might be done differently (not wrong, just different)
This is hard. You'll want to jump in. Don't. Let them figure it out. Even if they fail.
4. Communicate Clearly (Even If It Feels Awkward)
People can't read your mind. They genuinely might not see all the work you're doing.
Basic conversation starters to try:
"I've been doing the majority of the emotional labor in our household, and I really need that to change."
"I need you to take ownership of [specific task/responsibility] without me having to remind you. And I need you to figure it out yourself, because I don’t have the time to help.”
"I feel resentful when I'm the only one managing [situation]. Can we talk about how to share this more equally?"
Yes, it's uncomfortable. But resentment is worse.
5. Practice Letting Go of Guilt
The guilt will come. "I should do this." "They need me." "It's easier if I just handle it."
Challenge those thoughts:
Is it really your responsibility, or have you just always done it?
What would happen if you didn't do it?
Why is their comfort more important than your wellbeing?
You're allowed to stop neglecting your own needs.
6. Seek Support
Therapy, especially group therapy, can be transformative for women struggling with emotional labor. In therapy, you can:
Understand where these patterns came from
Learn to identify and express your needs
Practice setting boundaries in a safe space
Connect with other women who get it
Reclaim your energy and sense of self
You don't have to figure this out alone. (Ironic, right? But true.)
What Happens When You Release Some of the Weight
When you start setting boundaries around emotional labor, things shift:
You have more energy. Suddenly you're not exhausted all the time. You have bandwidth for yourself.
Your relationships improve. Resentment decreases. Intimacy increases. People start showing up differently when you stop over-functioning.
You rediscover yourself. You remember what you actually like, what you want, who you are outside of being helpful.
You feel lighter. Literally. The tension in your body starts to release.
You stop feeling guilty for existing. You realize your worth isn't tied to how much you do for others.
It won't happen overnight. But it will happen.
You Deserve Support, Too
If you're reading this and feeling seen—if you're realizing just how much invisible work you've been carrying—I want you to know something:
It's okay to need help. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to want more.
You've spent so long taking care of everyone else. It's time someone showed up for you.
Ready to lighten the load?
If you're struggling with emotional labor, burnout, or feeling invisible in your own life, therapy can help. I specialize in working with women who are exhausted from over-functioning, people-pleasing, and putting everyone else first.
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation and let's talk about what you need and how I can support you.
You don't have to keep doing this alone.
Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Labor
Q: Isn't emotional labor just part of being in a relationship?
A: Caring for others is part of healthy relationships. Emotional labor becomes a problem when it's unequal, unrecognized, and exhausting. Both partners should be contributing to the emotional wellbeing of the relationship.
Q: How do I get my partner to understand emotional labor?
A: Start by naming specific examples. Instead of "you don't help enough," try "I've been managing all the planning for our social life, and I need you to take that on." Be specific about what you need to change.
Q: What if I like doing these things?
A: There's nothing wrong with nurturing behaviors—as long as they're chosen, not obligatory, and you're not depleting yourself in the process. The question is: could you stop if you wanted to? And would anyone step up?
Q: Am I being selfish for wanting to do less?
A: No. Wanting rest, reciprocity, and to be valued for more than what you do isn't selfish. It's healthy.
Q: What if everything falls apart when I stop doing it all?
A: Some things might. And that's okay. People are capable of stepping up when you stop over-functioning. Give them the chance.
*Most studies have only examined cis-male and cis-female relationships, usually heterosexual, and work from a gender binary model.