Embracing Shame with Compassion
Shame is a deeply powerful emotion that can burden our hearts and minds, not to mention heavily influence how we see ourselves and interact with the world around us. Shame tells us we are not enough as we are, not lovable. And for many of us, when we feel that way about ourselves, we either want to hide ourselves (isolate), act out, or numb out.
But what if there was a way to foster more resilience when shame appears — to move through shame more efficiently? In this blog post, we'll explore the transformative power of Shame Resilience Theory and Mindful Self-Compassion, offering practical tips to help you navigate shame with compassion and courage.
Understanding Shame:
Shame is that deep-seated feeling of unworthiness or inadequacy that tells us we're flawed, unlovable, or undeserving of belonging. It can stem from past experiences, societal pressures, or internalized beliefs, and it often leaves us feeling isolated and alone. It is a deeply painful, visceral experience. We don’t just think we have done something wrong; we believe we are wrong.
Shame Resilience Theory:
Developed by renowned shame researcher Brené Brown, Shame Resilience Theory offers a roadmap for navigating shame and building resilience in its wake. The four components of shame resilience—recognizing shame, normalizing shame, practicing critical awareness, and reaching out—empower us to face shame head-on, challenge the beliefs that fuel it, and seek connection and support from others rather than giving into the urge to hide and isolate.
Practicing Mindful Self-Compassion:
Mindful self-compassion, as pioneered by Chris Germer and Kristen Neff, is another powerful tool for working with shame. It involves treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, acknowledging our shared humanity, and embracing our imperfections with compassion and acceptance. By cultivating mindfulness and self-compassion, we can soften the harsh edges of shame and move through it with less suffering.
Tips for Building Shame Resilience:
Recognize Shame: Start by tuning into the physical sensations, thoughts, and behaviors that signal shame's presence. Naming shame can help to diffuse its power and create space for self-awareness and healing. Start to recognize what things specifically trigger your feelings of shame.
Normalize Shame: Remember that shame is a universal human experience—we all feel it at times. Recognize that it's okay to feel shame and that it doesn't define your worth or value as a person.
Practice Critical Awareness: Challenge the beliefs and narratives that fuel shame. Question the unrealistic standards and expectations you hold yourself to and ask yourself where you first heard those beliefs. We are often shamed throughout our lives to get us to get in line, step down, or to purchase something. Ask yourself if anyone else is benefitting from your shrinking in shame.
Reach Out: Don't suffer in silence. Shame thrives in secrecy and isolation, so reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist for support and connection. Sharing your shame story can help to lessen its grip and foster a sense of belonging and acceptance. Shame cannot thrive where there is empathy and connection.
Cultivating Self-Compassion:
Be Kind to Yourself: Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer to a dear friend or loved one in need. Offer yourself words of encouragement, comfort, and understanding in moments of shame and struggle, or if words are too hard, even pause to give yourself a hug or place your hands over your heart. You are just as worthy of kindness as any and every human being.
Practice Mindfulness: Cultivate mindfulness by bringing gentle awareness to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations without judgment or resistance. Simply name what is happening without adding any kind of interpretation to it. Mindfulness helps us get “unstuck” from unhelpful thoughts.
Embrace Imperfection as Human: Recognize that perfection is an impossible standard and that we all make mistakes. Embrace your imperfections with compassion and acceptance, knowing that they are an integral part of what makes you human. We also call this acknowleding your “common humanity.” You are not alone in whatever feeling, thought, suffering, or imperfection you are noticing in this moment.
Easier said than done? Yes, shame can be a challenging emotion to navigate, but with the tools of shame resilience theory and mindful self-compassion, we can learn to embrace our vulnerabilities with courage and compassion. It is key to practice the above tips and remember the intent is to try, not to be perfect at any of the above. Practice courage, compassion, empathy, and vulnerability, and you will see shame shrink and slowly show up less and less.
Need help practicing the above and building shame resilience? Reach out to me directly at mmalone@rosebudpsychotherapy.com. I work with clients on feelings of shame in individual and group settings, as well as offer presentations to other clinicians on how to work through shame.