Both/And: The Power of a Dialectic
How to Expand Your Thinking
Have you ever heard someone say, “It’s a both/and?” I first heard this saying in grad school, and I had no idea what the heck it meant. My imposter syndrome kept me from asking, so it wasn’t until later that year when a supervisor introduced me to Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that I finally had my answer.
The obvious answer is that “both/and” is the opposite of “either/or.” I had figured out that much on my own. I had the general sense that this phrase lent itself to inclusivity and a broadening of one’s perspective. And yes, it absolutely does, but “both/and” is merely an entry point into the fabulous world of the dialectic.
What is a dialectic?
When I ask my new DBT students this question, I love the answers they give me. “Isn’t that from Scientology?” and “Do you mean diabolical?” No, and no, though sometimes I get one student who will shake their head and tell me, “I’m gonna stick with diabolical.” Sure, dialectics can be confusing at first, but let’s break it down.
A dialectic is the idea that two opposites can both be true at the same time. It does away with false, black-or-white dichotomies and moves us into shades of grey. So even though two things feel as though they are in conflict, a dialectical stance creates room for them both and recognizes they both are valid. This stance opens us to more possibilities and can help us get unstuck in our own thinking.
All-or-nothing, or black-and-white, thinking is very common in people struggling with depression, anxiety, and trauma symptoms. “I’m a failure,” “I’ll never feel better,” or “No one likes me” are some examples of thoughts that fit into this category. Dialectical thinking, and DBT in general, can be very helpful for reducing depressive and anxiety symptoms. A dialectical reframe may be “Right now, things feel really hard, and I know that feelings are temporary,” or “I didn’t succeed this time, and I can try to do better in the future.”
Here’s a common dialectic that shows up in therapy: I want to stay the same, and I want to change. Change can be scary, though most people recognize it as an important part of life. Embracing both parts of ourselves - the part that wants to stay the same and the part that wants something new - exposes vital information we have previously missed. Accepting this dialectic opens us up to being more effective in our behavior and in our relationships. Being effective in moving towards our goals is an important aspect of DBT.
Being dialectic is about balancing competing needs. Some examples of dialectical tensions include:
Feelings and thoughts
Being right and making mistakes
Acceptance and change
Structure and freedom
Novelty and predictability
Letting go and gaining control
Being capable and needing help
Doing your best and needing to do better
Rigidity and flexibility
The list goes on and on and on...
One of my favorites is the dialectical tension between acceptance and change. The two are inherently inter-related, as I previously discussed in my blog on radical acceptance. Acceptance often is a necessary prerequisite to change. We naturally move between the two during the therapeutic process. This dialectic is at the heart of DBT.
DBT practitioners will also frequently bring up the dialectic of doing your best and needing to do better. We always operate under the assumption that “Everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at any given moment.” Pause, re-read that, and write it down to refer to later. I love this statement because it promotes compassion, acceptance, and non-judgment.
Actually, let’s rephrase that one to apply to ourselves. “I am doing the best I can, and I want to be doing better.” For example, let’s say I am getting over a cold, trying to prepare for a big presentation at work, and my dog just peed on the carpet. I’m at my wit’s end, and when my partner asks if I can help him with something, I snap at him (and instantly feel guilty). Given the situation, I am obviously overwhelmed and doing my best to juggle multiple stressors, and I want to not snap at my partner when stressed.
And finally, let’s talk “but’s”
When speaking from a dialectical standpoint, you will often hear people say “and” rather than “but.” This simple change allows space for both of the things to be true. “I want to go to therapy, and I am scared of being that vulnerable.”
So my challenge to you is . . . Try swapping out your but’s for and’s and see what you notice, both in yourself and in others’ responses. It can be a simple but effective tool in changing your perspective and helping you get unstuck.