When you can’t change your reality… Accept it. 

If you’re like me, you love the feeling of being in control. Feels good, right? Now, I’m not saying control is inherently wrong or bad. What I really want to impress upon you is that there is a time for control and there is a time for letting go. I know you don’t want to hear this, but there are some things we can’t control. And unfortunately, when we attempt to over-control, we usually find ourselves in a place of suffering. Here is where radical acceptance comes in.

I first learned the concept of radical acceptance while working at a residential treatment center for substance abuse. I saw that at its core, addiction appeared to be an attempt to control our levels of pain and pleasure. My clients attempted this through substance use, but we all have our own way of trying to control and manage our pain and pleasure. Usually, we try to cling to pleasure and push away pain. It’s only natural! 

Yet what happens when it doesn’t work? When we are running ourselves ragged and actually increasing our suffering in our human attempt to control our reality? Well, a few things can happen. 

When faced with a painful situation, we can do one of four things:

• We can attempt to solve the problem, or change the situation.

• Uh-oh - that didn’t work? Well, our second option is to stay miserable. Maybe we even become bitter or resentful because we can’t stop thinking about how unfair this situation is! Maybe if I think about how crappy it is, it will magically change…

  • (Side note: Sometimes we need to sit in this place for a little while. It’s okay. But it usually isn’t very helpful to stay here too long!)

• The third option is to change your perception of the situation. Maybe instead of focusing on how rude it was for that driver to cut you off, instead be grateful that you did not get in an accident and that you have quick reflexes!

• Lastly, we can choose to radically accept the situation. Let’s talk more about this option.

So what the heck is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is, according to Tara Brach, “clearly recognizing what is happening… and regarding what we see with an open, kind, and loving heart.” (In a nutshell, think mindfulness + compassion.) In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), it is the notion that life can be worth living even when there is pain. It is making the choice to bloom where we are planted, or making the best of a painful situation and doing what is needed in this moment to be effective. 

What makes it radical?

Acceptance means recognizing the facts that are true and letting go of our resistance to these facts. Radical acceptance is doing this ALL the way and completely allowing ourselves to experience this moment in reality. It’s a bit like surrender. So if I am going to radically accept my sadness, for instance, I am going to let it rise and embrace it with my mind, body, and spirit. Even if I don’t understand it, I create space for it and treat it with compassion and curiosity. 

I do this because I am radically accepting my own limitations and knowledge. I acknowledge that sadness in life is inevitable and that I am feeling it now for a reason (even if I don’t know that reason). I have to let go of thoughts like “this isn’t fair” or “I can’t bear this pain.” Radical acceptance is learning how to live life on life’s terms and not resisting the things we cannot change. This is life, and pain is inevitable. 

Okay, great. Life is painful. I know that! How is this helpful?

Remember, we are operating under the idea that life is worth living even with pain. We are talking about radical acceptance because so often we refuse to accept reality and only end up increasing our suffering in the process! Think of all the ways you try to avoid parts of reality that you don’t like…

• Alcohol or drugs

• Working too much

• Obsessive cleaning

• Gambling

• Eating too much or too little

• Fixating on how it should or shouldn’t be

• Binging tv or social media

• Shopping/overspending

• And more! The list goes on and on...

Any of those seem familiar? Avoidance and distraction have their place in our lives, but if we over rely on them, they tend to come back and bite us in the butt in the long-term. Remember this equation: pain + rejection of that pain = suffering. But if we pause long enough to practice acceptance, we reduce our suffering in the long-term. Yes, we will initially experience pain and discomfort, but once we are through that pain, we usually experience some peace. 

Finally, radical acceptance allows us to see a situation clearly, just as it is. Clear sightedness allows us to be at our most effective. Consider this quote: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” - Carl Rogers. We are touching on a core dialectic - the balance between acceptance and change. If I want to effect change, I must first see the situation clearly, as it is, so that I move forward seeing all the facts and can address them accordingly. If I instead fight reality, I remain stuck and cannot move forward into change.

So, how do I practice this radical acceptance thing? 

Great question! In my next blog post, Radical Acceptance: An Introduction (Part 2), I will take you through step-by-step how to practice radical acceptance, as well as address some common misconceptions about acceptance and what makes it so difficult. Stay tuned!

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If you are suffering and struggling to cope with painful emotions, please reach out today to schedule a session and find some relief.