Today, I want to delve into a crucial aspect of recovery from substance use disorders that often gets overlooked: self-compassion. When trying to get sober and move into active recovery, many people struggle with intense feelings of shame, feeling unworthy, anxiety, and more. Let me understate that recovery is hard. And nothing is going to make it easy, but self-compassion is going to help you get through the difficulty and pain without additional suffering. Though it may sound basic, self-compassion is one of the most transformative tools out there when it comes to creating a healthier relationship with yourself and others. So this week, let's explore why self-compassion is so important and how it can positively impact your recovery.

Understanding Self-Compassion

Self-compassion involves treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, especially in times of struggle or suffering. I’ve often seen compassion defined as the desire to alleviate suffering. It's about extending the same warmth and care towards ourselves that we would towards a friend in need. I’d like to stress that it isn’t meant to make the hard times stop or magically go away; instead it is about helping yourself through the hard times without adding to the pain and strain.

In the context of recovery from substance use disorders, self-compassion means learning to be with our imperfections and pain without running away or beating ourselves up. It allows you to be present with all of your experiences, which is usually something very difficult for those who have previously used substances to try to manage and escape their emotions.

Countering Shame and Critical Self-Talk

Shame and self-criticism are common struggles for individuals in recovery. For some, they experienced shame and negative self-talk long before they picked up. But for most, shame thrives and compounds when someone is in active addiction. Substance use disorders, or addiction, typically leads people to do things that don’t align with their values, that hurts their loved ones, and that eats away at their self-image.

When you blame yourself for past mistakes or feel unworthy of love and support, it is pretty damn hard to find a reason to stay sober. Self-compassion acts as a powerful antidote to these destructive patterns of thinking. Instead of berating ourselves for relapses, hurtful actions, or perceived failures, self-compassion allows us to approach our struggles with gentleness and understanding. It doesn’t give us a free pass and say we were right for doing those things, but it does encourage us to remind ourselves that we are human and inherently flawed. That others also have these struggles and have also made painful mistakes. And that can even be a way to feel less isolated and alone in our shame (because you may have heard me talk about shame and how it thrives in isolation, just like addiction).

By cultivating self-compassion, we learn to remember that to err is human and that our worthiness is not defined by our past actions. This shift in perspective can significantly reduce feelings of shame and self-blame, making it much more realistic to stay present in your life rather than relapse to escape these difficult feelings.

Staying Engaged in the Present Moment

Recovery is a journey that requires commitment and presence. However, when we're consumed by self-criticism or shame, we often lose touch with the present moment. Substance use disorders are usually all about checking out of the moment or trying to control what we feel. That’s another reason why mindful awareness is a key factor in recovery.

Self-compassion anchors us in the here and now. By treating ourselves with kindness, we become more attuned to our current experiences and emotions. We focus less on past mistakes and upsetting situations. This increased mindfulness can enhance our ability to cope with cravings, triggers, and stressors without returning to using a substance. We can learn to “ride the wave” of the cravings and understand they are temporary, and again, part of the human experience.

Mindfulness is necessary to self-compassion because we must be able to identify and name what we are feeling in the moment. A common recovery phrase is “you got to name it to tame it.” If you are unable to understand what is happening to you in the present moment, you are much more reactive and at the whims of passing feelings and sensations. Mindfulness hands you back your choice to respond rather than react. And compassion weaves in to offer you understanding and kindness as you ride the wave of a difficult moment.

Embracing Uncomfortable Feelings

In recovery, uncomfortable emotions are inevitable. Whether it's anxiety, sadness, grief, or resenment, our instinct may be to avoid or suppress these feelings. But, as discussed already, attempting to numb our emotions typically perpetuates the cycle of substance use.

Self-compassion encourages us to approach our emotions with openness and curiosity. Rather than judging ourselves for feeling a certain way, we can acknowledge our emotions with kindness and non-judgment. “This is a moment of suffering. It’s human, and it is will pass.” This compassionate approach helps us develop healthier coping strategies, such as mindfulness and emotional regulation techniques, that support sustainable recovery.

Practicing Self-Compassion in Recovery

Now that we understand the importance of self-compassion, how can we cultivate it in our recovery journey?

1. Self-Talk Awareness: Pay attention to your inner dialogue. When you notice self-critical thoughts arising, practice reframing them with self-compassionate statements. For example, replace "I'm a failure" with "I'm doing the best I can, and that's enough in this moment."

2. Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness exercises to cultivate present-moment awareness. This doesn’t mean you have to sit down and meditate. Mindfulness practice can be as simple as naming whatever you are observing in the moment, both your internal and external experiences. For example, “I am noticing a wave of sadness,” or “I am noticing what I can touch and see around me.” This can help you develop a compassionate attitude towards your experiences, including cravings and difficult emotions. You may also be better able to identify what triggers your cravings when you are able to pay attention to the moment and better name your underlying emotions and desires.

3. Seek Support: Surround yourself with individuals who demonstrate empathy, understanding, and - you guessed it - compassion. Joining support groups or therapy groups can provide valuable opportunities to practice self-compassion in a supportive environment. Some people love 12-step groups, others hate it. I recommend finding a supportive sober community that feels right to you. You need to have a reminder that you are not alone, as well as encouragement and accountability from peers who have been there and really get you.

4. Self-Care Rituals: Prioritize self-care activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit. Whether it's taking a warm bath, going for a nature walk, or practicing yoga, self-care fosters a sense of self-worth and compassion. It is such a crucial part of being kind to yourself. And it doesn’t need to be frou-frou or stereotypical like said bath. Self-care includes setting healthy boundaries, spending time with supportive loved ones, spiritual practices, meal-planning, and therapy.

5. Supportive Self-Touch: This one isn’t for everyone. But one way we can show ourselves gentleness and kindness is through touch. Examples include pausing and giving yourself a hug, holding your face in your hands, or placing your hands over your heart. As humans we are wired to respond to warmth and touch, though some of us may have complicated relationships with touch or our own bodies due to invalidating and/or traumatic environments and experiments. You can experiment with curiosity, and if you ever feel flooded when trying this, you can always bring your attention back to something outside of yourself, like the ground beneath your feet, the chair supporting you, or things you can see, hear, smell, and taste in your environment.

Finally, self-compassion is not just a soft skill—it's a powerful tool for recovery from substance use disorders that requires PRACTICE. It is a choice and commitment to cultivate self-compassion, and it helps to do it with some guidance. I highly recommend exploring Dr. Kristen Neff’s work on self-compassion, and she has many free resources on her website. And of course, a therapist can absolutely help guide you through different self-compassion practices and exercises.

By treating ourselves with kindness and acceptance, we can counteract shame, stay present in the moment, and develop healthier responses to our uncomfortable feelings. We can give ourselves permission to be human and messy.

So my hope for you is that you learn to be gentle with yourself, celebrate your progress, and embrace your inherent worthiness. With self-compassion as your companion, you'll find the strength and resilience to navigate the challenges of recovery with grace and determination.

Wishing you compassion and healing in your recovery.