Understanding Codependency

Have you heard this buzz word, but you’re not quite sure what it means? Ever felt like your happiness was tied to someone else's, or that your worth depended on the approval of others? Welcome to the world of codependency — a place where our own identities can become a bit fuzzy as we get wrapped up in the powerful emotions of close relationships.

More specifically, codependency is a pattern in relationships in which we overly focus on other people’s feelings, needs, and problems while usually ignoring or minimizing our own. Codependent people often crave feeling important, needed, or useful to another person, and they often deep down believe they have to be these things in order to feel valued and loved.

It is often hard for a codependent person to validate and trust their own experience, which may lead them to seek out reassurance from other people. “Are you made at me?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Do you think that went well?” “Do you think I’m a good person?” Essentially, they depend on other people to give them a having a sense of identity and self-worth. And what I see over and over again, is that being stuck in codependent behaviors leads to loneliness, resentment, and pain.

Why Do We Develop Codependent Behaviors?

Codependent behaviors usually develop as a result of dysfunction in families. (Note: I do not mean that there cannot be love in dysfunctional families or that they are “bad,” just that there are patterns that can lead to unhelpful behaviors.)

Just like the soil and environment shapes and influences the development of a plant, our childhood experiences shape how we understand and move through the world as adults. Codependency might come from growing up in an environment where emotional needs weren't consistently met, or where love felt conditional. The child couldn’t completely trust that their emotional and physical would be met on a consistent basis.

Often at least one member of the family may have been neglectful or abusive, or they took up so much space that it didn’t feel there was enough room for a child’s feelings. This can especially happen when another family member has their own struggle with physical or mental health issues. Life for the child in this environment may be unpredictable or chaotic, so they develop codependent behaviors to try to help them survive.

But even though these traits may have helped them get through their childhood, those same behaviors begin to become problematic and can hinder the adult from forming healthy, balanced, fulfilling relationships.

So how do we recover from these old wounds and shed our codependent behaviors? By building a healthier connection with ourselves through insight, self-compassion, and the courage to show up authentically.

The Compassionate Road to Recovery: Nurturing the Self

1. Embrace Self-Compassion: Imagine your heart as a flower that needs tending. Water it with kindness and the desire to be free of suffering. Shine light on it by acknowledging that your needs and feelings are valid. A regular self-compassion practice is like a gentle rain that helps you bloom. (sorry for the extended flower metaphors, but my practice’s name is Rosebud)

2. Rediscover Your Identity: Who are you when the layers of others' expectations are peeled away? Reconnect with your own interests, dreams, and values. It's like finding hidden treasures within yourself. It can be fun to try new things and see whether or not you like them and if they resonate with who you want to be. Explore your core values with your therapist and use them to guide your actions. Take the time to know yourself.

3. Establish Healthy Boundaries: Boundaries are like the fence around your heart. You choose who gets to pass through the fence door and how they can interact with you. Practice saying no to things that drain or hurt you, and yes with intention to things that nurture and excite you. Protect your energy, and let relationships be a joyful exchange, not a draining one.

4. Cultivate Independence: Independence helps you grow beyond the limits of someone else’s identity. Find joy and fulfillment in activities that are solely yours. Take yourself on dates, and start practicing regular check-ins with how you are doing. Rediscover the strength in standing on your own, even as you cherish connections with others. Don’t stop enjoying time with others; just be sure to also make time for yourself.

5. Seek Support: It would be easy to mistakenly believe that recovery from codependency is full independence. Realistically, as humans, we have evolved to be interdependent. We are meant to get support and work together — codependency can just take it to an extreme, where we aren’t working together so much as getting lost in the idea of the other person. So part of recovery is seeking appropriate, boundaried support. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can offer guidance and support. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's actually the birthplace of connection and healing.

6. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the gentle breeze that clears away the cobwebs of anxious thoughts and doubts. Be present in the moment, listen to your inner voice, and observe without judgment. It's a powerful tool on the path to self-discovery. You learn to tune into your own voice, your own needs and desires, and make decisions with clear intention.

Recovering from codependency is like tending to a garden—you plant seeds of self-love, water them with compassion, and watch as your heart, relationship, and identity bloom. Remember, it's okay to be a work in progress. Your heart is resilient, and with each step on this journey, you're rewriting the narrative by nurturing a connection with yourself that's authentic, loving, and all yours.

If you struggle with codependent behaviors and want to work on becoming more of your own person and setting healthier relationship boundaries, reach out to me to set up an initial consultation call!