Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it.

Last week I introduced the concept of Radical Acceptance and why it can be a useful practice. This week let’s talk about how to practice it, as well as some myths about radical acceptance that may make it hard for us to fully embrace it. 

To recap, here are a few key takeaways about Radical Acceptance:

• Radical acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is.

• It is “radical” because we are accepting reality completely and wholeheartedly.

• When we embrace radical acceptance, we learn to live life on life’s terms and make the best of our situation. 

• We reduce our suffering in the long-term and acknowledge that during this process we will likely feel pain in the short-term.

• Pain + denial of pain = suffering

• Life is worth living even with pain. 

If the above points intrigue you, then let’s talk about how to get your radical acceptance practice started. 

Note: I present these as steps, though honestly I sometimes do them in a different order or only do certain steps. I do think going through step by step is helpful when learning. 

Step 1

Ask yourself, “What about reality am I resisting right now?”

For guidance, look for areas of bitterness and resentment. Check where you notice yourself judging, or getting stuck on whether or not something is “fair” or “not how it should be.”

Let yourself observe this part of yourself - the feelings, sensations, thoughts, and beliefs that arise from it. 

Step 2

Remind yourself that this unpleasant reality is what it is and cannot be changed. State the facts of what has occurred. 

Step 3

Open yourself to the idea that there are causes for reality, even if we are unable to see all those causes. Some sort of history led to this moment (I always think of the butterfly effect here). Given those causal factors, both those we can and cannot know, have led to reality being this way. 

You don’t have to identify the specific cause, or causes, to do this work. The work is simply in acknowledging cause and effect. 

Step 4

Practice accepting reality with your whole self and be creative. Maybe use self-talk that focuses on acceptance. Try relaxation and breathing techniques to release resistance in your mind and body. Imagine what acceptance would look like. If it appeals to you, you may also use prayer.

Bonus! Willing Hands and Half Smile

Remember - radical acceptance means accepting with our mind, heart, and body. How can you shift your body into a place of acceptance? Try willing hands and half-smile. 

• To create willing hands, open your hands - palms up and fingers relaxed. It also helps to drop your shoulders and maybe rest the backs of your hands on your lap or thighs. This is the opposite of what we may want to do when we are in resistance, such as clenching our fists or hiding our hands. 

• For half-smile, I always imagine a monk or a serene woman sitting peacefully with a relaxed expression and the slightest of smiles. To do this, relax your entire face, letting go of tension in your forehead, eyebrows, eyes, cheeks, mouth, tongue, and jaw. It may help to scrunch/tense your face first, then release the tension with an exhale of breath.

Next, let the corners of your lips turn up ever so slightly. It most likely will not appear as an obvious smile to others. You do not want a tense or forced grin. The exercise is simply the adoption of a serene, relaxed, and accepting expression. This expression communicates to your mind acceptance.

Step 5

Imagine what you would do and how you would feel if you had accepted the facts/reality. Behave as though you’ve already accepted it. Rehearse in your mind what accepting the unacceptable looks like. 

Step 6

Allow your emotions to arise within you, whether that be disappointment, sadness, grief, or pain. Acknowledge and attend to these emotions and body sensations without pushing them away or clinging to them. Breathe into these feelings; investigate them with compassion and curiosity. 

Even if these emotions feel incredibly intense, remember that you can survive it and will likely feel some kind of peace or relief at the end of this feeling. Maybe even repeat to yourself that you can handle this. 

Step 7

Acknowledge to yourself that life can be worth living even when there is pain. 

Remind yourself of this truth and repeat the above steps as often as needed. If you notice yourself falling back into resistance, choose to return to acceptance. (When we’re trying to accept something that feels unacceptable, we usually have to choose to make this effort more than once.)

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Barriers to Practicing Radical Acceptance

There are many reasons why we may not practice acceptance. Maybe we don’t know how (or you didn’t before this post), or maybe we believe some of the following myths.

Myth: Acceptance is not approval and Myth: Acceptance will prevent change

These two myths are the most common ones I hear when teaching this skill. Here is a very critical distinction: Radical acceptance is not approval of painful events or facts; it is not passivity or against change. 

I find the opposite to be true. Acceptance is actually critical to bringing about change. I accept what is, learn from it, and choose how to proceed. 

If I am fighting the facts of reality, I am expending a lot of energy on doing so. I am ignoring the problem and possibly ignoring the causes of it, yet I continue to suffer. If I instead accept reality as it is, say an injustice I see in the world, I can then see the problem clearly and direct my energy toward making effective change. I do not want to deny or suppress any anger, sadness, or pain; I want to feel it clearly and listen to what my emotions are telling me. 

Ex. I can accept that I have a mental illness, such as PTSD. It does not mean I approve of being traumatized or enjoy it. It does not mean I will do nothing about it.

Instead, I acknowledge and accept that I feel emotional pain. By accepting that I have been traumatized, I can seek help to learn how to heal and likely reduce my pain.

Reality is constantly shifting and changing. The clearer you can see it, the more likely you are to be influencing that change. 

Myth: I can’t handle my emotions

I am definitely guilty of this myth - I think all of us are! What if I can’t handle the emotions that come with accepting reality? If I admit that I did that really horrible thing, how will I ever live with the guilt? If I let the rage rise up at all of the injustices in the world, will I ever feel hope again? If I let myself break down, will it ever end?

Emotions are powerful. They have to be in order to motivate us! But emotions won't last forever. They have a natural ebb and flow. They can only maintain a certain intensity for so long before our bodies allow (or force) a reprieve. It may help to learn more therapeutic skills about how to ride out intense emotions. Show yourself that you are capable of surviving painful feelings. If you are reading this article, you’ve probably already done that so many times in your life. Give yourself some credit. We so easily magnify the possibility of a worst case scenario, and we so often minimize our own abilities to cope. 

Also remember that you do not have to go through hard things alone. Reach out to your supports and loved ones. Let them navigate those painful emotions with you. We are wired for emotions just as we are wired for connection and interdependence. It really does help to embrace them both. 

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If you are looking to process painful emotions or learn more skills for managing emotions and distress, please reach out today to schedule a session.